I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!