Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁