Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

We’ve all been there

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this