I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”