I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
The two types of wives
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush