Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Close call…

Stop sending me this shit.

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.