Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

Your secret is safeish with me

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

umm…

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Shoo shoo! 😂

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral