Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

Wait a minute…

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.