I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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Driving a newer car is like oh weird this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again