Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Guantanamo Bae

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

no such thing as a dumb question

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!