I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You Might Also Like
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
so i’m at the stock market right
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka