I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
time machine? you mean a clock?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.