Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
A salad is a bunch of things bribing you to eat lettuce.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke