I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.


[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?


My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right


Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?


[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack


I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.


I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…


Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne