Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.