I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*