Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”