I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know