I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs