I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
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[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
when revenge coincides with naptime
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap