I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I might give this a try 😏
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.