I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“you recording!?”