Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me