Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Always 🥴

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

dogs can find happiness so easily

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.