Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.