Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Squash

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up