I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
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If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?