Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.