I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
You Might Also Like
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017