Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Cats (2019)

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat