Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

kevin is now a local weatherman

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.