I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?