“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.