Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Coke is just cherry coke after it’s lost its virginity.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.