Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
“Got any others?”
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying “good boy.”
Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!”
“That’s Diane Keaton.”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar