@BoutCrazed

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

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@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

@WilliamRodgers

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

@CountMackula

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

@TheRealRHB

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

@carlyken

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

@minkpinkustink

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

@KentWGraham

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.