@BoutCrazed

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

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@Faceyspace

Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.

@ojedge

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

@13spencer

An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying “good boy.”

@AristotlesNZ

Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness

@13spencer

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

@natalie2111

Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”

@joebirbigs

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar