“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special