I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
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Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.