Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.