I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My god she’s good.