Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

Anyone really

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

😂

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Thursday

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people