I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
You Might Also Like
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein