Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

Just me?

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.