I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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Erm…
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement