I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Attacked by a mop.