Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

this is the kind of friend i am

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?