I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.