I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“I FIXED IT!”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs