I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.