im gay on my mothers side
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“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.