im gay on my mothers side
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
me adding lol on a serious message
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Anarchy
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet