im gay on my mothers side
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person