I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
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A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*