Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Shower sex be like:

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe