Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once