I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.