I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
get you a girl who
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Wow 🤣
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.