@zachreinert03

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate

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@SaddleLawman

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’ll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
?

@shadygeekdad

Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.

@GrantTanaka

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

@BradBroaddus

I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.

@LimeyTheGreat

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.