Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate
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I’ll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.
Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them James Franco.
Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.