I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
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My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.