“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
This is why I hate group projects
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
scares
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.