I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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God has abandoned us.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.