I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I wanna be friends with this person
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
This is my emotional support knife.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?