I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My first child will be named New Folder.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?