Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

“I wouldn’t.”

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”