I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
🤣😂🤣😂
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip