Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.