Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Happy Friday