Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great Canadian literature.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

all bases covered

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

What happened to the other hiker??!

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”