I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
