I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies