Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Now this is how you LinkedIn

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent